Choosing versus Forcing Submission (a post by s)

If you’re reading this, I’m pretty sure that you already have an idea about D/s dynamics (honestly, I’d love to know what you googled to get here lol). Submission is a big part of my identity. It’s core to who I am and how I move through the world. It adds a depth and authenticity that was severely lacking prior to our adoption of the lifestyle. That said, I feel like it’s important to add to the “conversation” - so to speak - by talking about choosing a D/s lifestyle after being in toxic relationships.

“Why harsh my mellow?” You ask.

Fair! But here’s the thing: I know I can’t be the first submissive to come from relationship-based and/or physical trauma. And, in my humble opinion, one more story out there in the ether about how those two things - submission and trauma - can coexist is important.

My first marriage was nothing short of nightmarish. Without getting into the weeds about it, it was a total power exchange, but without consent or intention. But not having the language or tools to understand that my natural propensity to serve didn't equate serving just anyone, I lived under the misconception that I was supposed to serve my partner, regardless of whether or not he deserved my submission.

Entering into a consensual negotiated power exchange has opened my eyes to how wrong I had been. Yes, submission is my inherent preferred state of being and identity - but it’s also my responsibility to protect and share with a safe, deserving partner. Being submissive doesn’t mean I can just throw up my hands, declare, “This is who I am!” and let life (and relationships) happen to me. Submission doesn’t mean being a passive observer of life. It is quite the opposite. It is knowing, loving, and owning ALL of myself - and then choosing to honor myself and my needs by choosing a good (in my case, perfect) person and environment in which to explore and grow towards that wholeness.

Submission has proved to be extremely healing for me, personally. It has given me the opportunity to look at myself from a different angle, to learn from my past, and to see myself more clearly. It has given me a safe space to lean into who I am and, more importantly, who I want to be.