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Fixing a "Fixer"

s: So, this thing happened last night that I'm not super proud of. I said "no" to D. Like, maybe four or five times. In a row. Ouch.


Obviously I'm in the wrong.


Here's what I've been struggling with since: I'm what one might call a "fixer." If something is not going "right," well then, by god, I will make it so (or martyr myself trying). And this is the stinker of it: I know that it doesn't work most of the time. But it's this weird tick that just seems to manifest almost unconsciously and, before I know it, I'm in fixing mode.


Last night when I kept saying "no" to D's request (a silly small one at that), it came from that place of "fxing." I thought that D was annoyed and frustrated with me already and so I wrongly thought the best move was to simply shut everything down and go to sleep. I thought that by saying "yes" to his request, it would only annoy him more and what he really wanted was to roll over and go to sleep.


Did he say any of that to me? Sigh - NO. Did I have a whole conversation in my head that led to a bunch of incorrect assumptions? Sigh - YES. Regardless of both of those "duhs," was it my place to say no to D's request? ABSOLUTELY NOT.


A big part of my attraction to the lifestyle was and is that it can serve as a strong conduit for me to let go, mentally and emotionally. Not to check out, per se, but to shed my anxieties and internal pressure. To trust that D has my best interests at heart and takes care of me. Being D's submissive allows me receive his love and care more openly and, likewise, allows me to give it more easily and authentically.


That said, if I'm really honest, in practice being a sub can really butt up against my internal "fixer"/ caretaker and mess things up (temporarily). I guess what I'm saying is that I'm still learning. I'm imperfect. I'm not yet the submissive that I aspire to be. I know that my journey involves paying better attention to my internal "fixer" voice and to then shut it down, listening to the words that are actually coming out of D's mouth, and - most importantly - being mindful of my role.


As we jokingly remind each other, this is the business we've chosen...!




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